White canvas
by Inspiring Thoughts
Summary: After a painful breakup, Ben develops insomnia. To kill time, he starts working the late night shift at the local supermarket, where his artistic imagination runs wild. But how far will his imagination reach? This is a Casbhack 2006 fanfiction story
1. Prologue

A man, chasing his dreams. Lost in time, lost in life. He wants to let go o**f** his feelings but every single moment he tries, he fails. Sleep seems to be the only way to clear up his mind. His body begging for sleep, but his head conquering all the desperate attempts to really forget his problems for once…

_The 6__th__ of February 2004 Ben met this awfully pretty young lady called Suzy. _

Two months earlier Ben turned 18 years old. His friends kept begging him to throw a party, something he intended not to do, since his father passed away due tothe excess of alcohol. Eventually, after his conscience was ruined by the peer-pressure, he decided to invite a couple of friends in his little room, that was located in a huge building packed with horny students. His mates, who**se **bodies and minds were totally out of control after drinking too much, turned up the volume of the stereo located near his front door. Everyone could hear the music they were listening to. Lyrics covered by a nasty topping filling the air, smoothly entering dozens of girly ears.

Seduced by the words the artists sang, a few girls decided to search the room they desperately wanted to find. The word sex was constantly chasing through their minds, as they wanted to enjoy college life the best they could – or the way they saw this cruel lifestyle on television. Ben, who didn't share this idea of going to college, hadn't lost his virginity yet. Afraid that his conscience would be conquered by peer pressure again, he gently asked everyone to leave. – lost in time, desperately thinking he was different. Scared he had to lose his virginity on an earlier time. Lost in life as there was a chance others would laugh at him. A chance that he could end up being alone, with his changing thoughts. - But his friends weren't satisfied they had to leave. They noticed Ben was hiding something and they would pay any price to know it. Totally out of his mind , feeling this wasn't over yet, Ben told them the beautiful truth. – he wanted to stop time, but he couldn't. Laughing and twinkling at the girls, the boys couldn't stop stimulating Ben to have sex. – Something he wanted to have with someone he couldn't describe, however secretly wanted to draw on his white canvas.


	2. Chapter One

He met this girl on a rather weird way. While he was walking downtown, he saw a bunch of young people separately drawing shapes on their white canvas. Ben, who was a beloved painter as well, stopped walking and watched the young painters. Astonished by the beauty of it, he lost time. He had an appointment with the head of his school to discuss what he wanted to do after he was graduated. As he had only 10 minutes left (and his school was located at a distance of a 20 minute walk), he started running. Not paying attention to anything or anyone, he almost got hit by a car that was speeding after passing a red light. He kept on running… but suddenly he felt that he had smashed something with his foot. Two thoughts filled his mind. One: keep on running and don't look back. Two, stop and turn around to see what he had smashed. He choose the second possibility, as he had heard a young lady voice screaming.

"What is wrong with you", she screamed. "Why on earth do you destroy my canvas?! Can't you think of anyone else except yourself?" Ben had this really weird feeling. At one hand he was ashamed for what he had done. On the other hand he was enchanted by the beauty of the young human being in front of him.

"I'm so sorry, erm… miss. I'm already too late for an appointment with the principal… and 2 minutes ago I've almost got hit by a car… I really don't know where the hell my mind was." said Ben.

After a heart wrecking silence she started smoking a cigarette. She seemed to be calmed down, as she offered Ben a cigarette as well.

"No thanks, I've quitted smoking 2 years ago." My doctor said I have really weak lungs."

Immediately she felt sorry for Ben. Although… she felt sorry for the person in front of her. She didn't had a clue about his name, his life, his thoughts, his feelings.

"What's your name?" she asked.

"I'm Ben, Ben Willis, nice to meet you." Can I ask your name as well?

Surprised by the cuteness of Ben the lady laughed softly. Her eyes were shining. She felt happy with the accident. She felt there was more than just a 'I'm sorry conversation'.

"I'm Suzy… can I take you out for a hot coffee?"


	3. Chapter Two

On their way to the closest bar there was an embarrassing silence. Whilst Ben was looking at Suzy, she didn't turn her head. And when Suzy was looking at Ben, he turned his head the other way. – A shy sign that they really liked each other. Eventually they saw a young couple, walking hand in hand. Ben immediately said: "aww, look… I wish I had someone to love…"

Suzy laughed with a very shy smile. She knew the feeling, but didn't want Ben to know it. From when she was young, she'd experienced not to expose her true self too much yet. Some boys had abused her sincerity and eventually her body.

"Here we are", Ben said. He opened the door and whispered: "Ladies first…"

The bar was packed with a bunch of young people. Ben could hardly hear what Suzy said, as the room was filled with a lot of noise. When Ben looked around, the only thing he saw was cigarette smoke. He felt uncomfortable with that because he still experienced a big will to neglect his weak lungs and smoke as much as his lungs would take. Suzy, who wasn't aware of what was going on in Ben's mind, offered him a seat nearby a window, from where they had a really nice view on the big square near his school.

"Hi guys, what do you want to drink?"

Suzy was surprised. She didn't expect the bartender to come that quickly. Ben on the other hand had noticed this inconvenient action before.

"Two coffees, please" Suzy answered.

All of a sudden Ben felt that someone took control over him. She didn't let him decide what he wanted to drink. She made a decision for him. This was something he hadn't experienced before. He thought this was a good characteristic, being dominant. However, she had too much of it in her. Otherwise he would feel like a dog waiting for his boss outside the mall… And somehow he knew this... she asked him out for a coffee? What an upside-down world.

Ben needed to say something. To get back the control a boy should have. He must say something that would move her. But he didn't know what. All he could think of is how he got into this situation. What a coincidence this was. How blessed he was and how much he wanted this to turn out well.

"So... what did you have to draw for your class" he said.

"My class? Erm… I'm not at college anymore. I'm 25 you see… I think I take this as a compliment… ."

"Oh, I'm sorry…" , Ben replied ashamed.

"It's okay. What about you? Which classes do you take?"

Ben was doubting between two answers. One: he could answer that he wasn't at college either. If so, he told her a lie just from the beginning. Two: he could answer he's only 19 years old and look stupid against Suzy. After all, he wanted to be honest. He really was enchanted by her beauty. He really wanted to get into her. To be in a relationship with her.

"I'm planning on going to art school. I'm almost graduated now and I'm really interested in art, so I guess this is the right decision for me." he said.

"Aww, I love art too. At home, I've got a whole collection of paintings I drew myself. Maybe someday you can come over and have a look at them. I'd love to get some feedback."

"I think we got ourselves a deal! At one condition… if you will give feedback on my works as well?"

"Of course! I'm very curious to see how talented you are."

Time passed by and Ben totally forgot his appointment. This would be the first time he missed an appointment. He'd never been too late. Ben thought being 'strict' was one of his best characteristics. Although, his mother had told him so.

Since the lost of his father he had a really good connection with his mom. A new experience for Ben, as he always had been struggling with the way his mother protected him. Overprotective was the right word. Whenever he wanted to do something fun with his friends, his mother denied his question whether I had permission to go or not. She wanted him to stay home. In that way nothing could happen with her lovely son, she thought. Till now nothing had happened… despite his mind that was ruined by the way his mother treated him.

"Ben? Ben, listen to me. Ben?" Suzy said while he was starring outside the window.

"Oh. I'm so sorry Suzy … I don't know what's wrong with me. My mind seems to be full with memories I don't want to think off."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Suzy said on a rather protective tone.

"I don't think so. I should leave now; otherwise I'll miss an appointment for the first time in my life. I wouldn't be able to live with the feeling of being lost in time… Here's my number … in case you ever want to call me again. It was nice meeting you Suzy. Bye."


	4. Chapter Three

"What the hell?" Ben said to himself. "Why on earth do I always run away when someone asks me to talk about my feelings? What is wrong with me? Why am I so … uncontrolled these days?"

Ben was about to enter his school, when he heard his cell phone ringing. On one hand he was scared, but at the same time he was hoping it was Suzy. With trembling hands he took his cell phone and looked at the screen: "Private number". After a 5 second hesitation Ben decided to pick up the phone with an emotional voice.

"Hello?"

"Hi Ben, this is mister Lambert speaking. I thought we had an appointment, my son?"

Ben was shocked. He didn't expect to get a phone call from his principal. He always had been a good pupil… And now, since the death of his father, it seemed that he couldn't do something right anymore…

"I'm sorry mister. Ehm. The bus I was taking had a little accident. I needed to fill in some insurance papers and talk to the police about what I had seen… "

"Well, in that case… I believe you Ben; just make sure you do your best to get here as fast as possible. See you soon."

"Thank you. Bye, mister Lambert" he said.

Ben went upstairs and knocked on the principal's door. He felt really bad because he had come up with a lie. Something he intended not to do, only in worst case scenarios. "Wow Ben, you're fast" the principal said whilst he was nipping from his hot coffee. "I did my best sir…"

The room was filled with old pictures of Lambert his family and friends. In the right corner of the room there was a baseball cap with the initials 'S.L'. "Have you ever been in a baseball team sir? " Ben asked while pointing his finger at the cap. "Yes my son, I was very good at it … till I've broken my arm. After the operation doctors saw there was something wrong. They had placed a little bone the wrong way. And now, I can barely move my arm…."

"I'm so sad for you sir, I'm sorry I asked it."

"It's okay, don't bother about it. I'm used to it."

After a long cozy chat Ben shook the principal's hand and left the room with a released feeling. He was glad the conversation was over. Whilst he took the stairway down he met a couple of friends, who were waiting in line for the same conversation. After he'd had a little chat with them, he left the building. While he was waiting for the bus to come he kept thinking of Suzy…

"Ben…Ben" a girl whispered.

"Ben, turn around and close your eyes" he heard. He'd noticed the sound came from behind him, but he hadn't a clue about who it was.

"Close your eyes before you turn around." she said. Once Ben had turned around with his eyes closed, he felt cold lips searching for his mouth. A rather unknown feeling, as he hadn't been kissed a lot before. After one kiss on his lips, the voice said: "Open your eyes know."

Suzy stood there with her eyes twinkling. It seemed she was in love. Ben, who couldn't believe it, just stood there emotionless. He thought he was dreaming, but when he hit himself in the face he knew it was reality. Without even one word he kissed her back…


	5. Chapter Four

Two months later.

"Just leave me alone Ben, it's not worth it." Suzy screamed.

Ben could hardly stand the pain her voice brought through the telephone. Just two weeks ago he found out about her new boyfriend. Suzy seemed to be so… sincere. And all of a sudden this turned out to be imagination. She cheated on him. She cheated on a boy who hadn't been in a relationship before. A shy, innocent boy who was madly in love with a girl…

"What's wrong with me? Why is that stupid football player Jenkins so much better than me? Is it his hair? Is it his body? The only thing I want is an honest explanation." Ben replied.

_Why did I even say 'honest'? Isn't it clear that a girl like that can't be honest? Why would I want to know the truth anyway? Maybe that would hurt me so much more. But… what is life without answers to questions? Why is this so called 'beautiful' world so damn hard?_

"Just leave me alone, Ben. Bye."

Ben's world collapsed. Because he loved Suzy, he couldn't blame her. He used Jenkins as his victim instead. Whilst he was sitting on his bed, watching at some old pictures with Suzy, his phone rang. Ben didn't want to pick up the phone. He wouldn't survive the voice of Suzy anymore, but he didn't know who was on the other side of the line. "Oof" he said, "I've got one missed call."

Looking through the pictures made him feel depressed. Lost in his world, he wanted to burn them. He took his lighter and lit the fire. His trembling hands headed towards the pictures he had loved so much. A fire would raise, and the smoke would fill his lungs… his weak lungs. "Why would I want to burn these pictures?" Ben said. "It's not going to heal me anyway. And why would I destroy my only memories?"

His cell phone rang again. He felt he needed to pick up. Somehow he knew it wasn't Suzy. He took his cell phone and looked at the screen: "Sean". His best friend called him on a rather bad timing. With tears in his eyes he said: " Hello? ".

"Hi Ben, it's Sean. How are you man?"

"I'm not okay. I feel alone."

"What's wrong? I've never heard you talking like this before. Do you have problems with your girlfriend?"

"it's over Sean, it's over."

"What?! Really? So… the rumor that Suzy was dating Jenkins was right? Ow, man, I'm really sorry for you."

"Thanks. Bye."

Ben threw away his cell phone and hit his fist against the wall. He opened his laptop and decided to browse the internet. Due to the growing technology he had to change his status on every social network site. From 'in a relationship' to 'single'. He started off with his facebook-account. Something he didn't use a lot. His friends on the other hand were really addicted to it. Somehow he thought facebook was too difficult. Too much buttons and applications all in one. But yes. He had to change his status, because Suzy had done so as well.

"Here we go" Ben said to himself. "I can't wait for the reactions when I've changed it."

When he wanted to close the tab and please himself by playing some games, he got a new notification. "Sean replied on your status". Ben didn't want to open it. But his curiosity took control and clicked on the notification.

"Try and find someone prettier than Suzy. If so, Suzy will try and get you back because she'll get jealous of the girl's beauty. It always works with me… "

Ben needed to reply to this, because it had made him so angry. He couldn't believe his 'best' friend had reacted in such an immature way. "Reply to Sean."

"Do you really think this is going to make me feel better? Do you really think I'm going from girl to girl... like you? And you don't really have to tell me something about relationships… whenever you try and kiss a girl she throws her drink at you … "

After closing his computer he decided to try and get some sleep.


	6. Chapter Five

Whilst he was brushing his teeth he felt this was going to be a long night. He took off his clothes and picked up his favorite sleeping clothes. His scarred body softly slit in with a comfortable feeling. "Ah, you're the only nice thing in my life right now" he pitifully said to his beloved sleeping clothes.

He turned off the light and starred at the ceiling. Immediately his arms began to form the position of when they used to embrace Suzy. But now, there was nothing. He could only hold his pillow closely, as a sort of consolation, but the fragrance of Suzy's new perfume had filled it to the bottom. With eyes full of tears he threw away the pillow out of his only window. "Goodbye Suzy" he said.

After a night without any sleep, he had to wake up early. From the moment he looked in the mirror, he knew the break-up had destroyed both his body and mind. "Well Ben, this is your new look then" he said to himself on a rather depressing tone. "This is what you get … when girls take the control over things… " .

He took the elevator instead of the stairs. Something he hadn't done in ages. He thought climbing the staircase was good for his health. Every single day he burnt 600 Calories by going up and down… "I don't care about my health anymore" he said, "why would I work on my body now?" "I've got no one that loves me; I'm all on my own… "

Once he got outside, he enjoyed the fresh air filling his lungs. He decided to wander around, with no appointments in sight. Again, this was something he hadn't done before. Every time he went outside, there was a reason attached. Whether it was going to school, meeting Suzy, meeting friends... everything in his life had a reason.

"Hi Ben" someone said with a surprising voice.

"How are you man? I haven't seen you in ages… " the person continued.

"Oh, hi Matthew… I didn't recognize you… My mind isn't on this world I guess..." Ben replied.

"That was something I wanted to ask you ... you look terrible dude, what's wrong?"

"My girlfriend cheated on me, she was the only one for me... but now … "

"Aww Ben, everything will fall in place ... I promise. Look at me; I've been there, but now… I feel so released. I can't believe how I managed to maintain my relationship. It took me 3 years to realize it was nothing for me. Personally, I think you are better off without a girl... "

"Yes ... but I still miss Suzy. She was the first girl in my life, and probably the last. I can't understand you're happy now. How do you spend your time then? Ben replied with a voice that predicted he was about to tear up.

"I'm meeting friends a lot more now... before Anna wanted to spend every single moment with me. I even had to give up my job… because when I needed to work she started yelling at me. She was angry, because I wanted to earn some money … "

Ben couldn't believe what his old classmate said to him. Again this was an approval that he was different. He didn't act like all the other boys.

"Hmm. Kind of strange if you're girlfriend doesn't want you to earn money though. But yeah, I think I'm not the right person to tell you this, as I've never worked somewhere before. "

"No? How do you pay your rent then? How do you pay your food? Ben, you should really get a job then. Maybe not for the money in first instance, but as I look at you... you really need something to clear up your mind. "

"Ye, perhaps I should do that … I don't know. I think I'm going to end up on the streets if I continue like this. I feel my stomach suffers a lot from all the fast-food I've been eating lately. "

"I wish you the best luck my friend; I've got to go now. Bye Ben, leave me a message on facebook!" Matthew said whilst he was turning in the other direction.

_Facebook.. hmm. Why do people always talk about facebook? Nowadays people haven't got many to talk about, because they've already read it on the internet?_

Still thinking of Suzy, Ben continued walking downtown. Everywhere he could see he saw a bunch of young people working in stores. "Maybe this is something for me?" he thought…

After a long day of walking in every direction he possible could take he decided to go home. His mood slightly began to change, when he saw homeless people wandering the streets. He realized that what he had been through wasn't the worst thing that could happen to a person. Bum's lying on the ground without any reason to live, and gangsters dealing drugs to earn money while they were destroying other people's lives, seemed him more deep problems. But still… the idea of being alone kept following him.

And again he couldn't get sleep. His eyes were constantly looking at the ceiling, as if he thought he would stare long enough, he would be able to see Suzy appear. Due to the junk food and cola his body began to lose shape. Tin layers of fat began to pile up on his tin body. For the second night in a row he couldn't get any sleep at all. The start of something surreal had began….


End file.
